Wow, I feel like I’ve just plumbed the very Depps of crapdom itself after bearing witness to the travesty which wass Dark Shadows. To its credit though, the film was so awful that you can still laugh at yourself for being such a tit and watching this joke of a movie in the first place.
The plot involves an imprisoned vampire called Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), who is set free after several centuries and returns to his ancestral home to rescue his beleaguered descendants (which include Michelle Pfeiffer, Chloë Grace Moretz and Gulliver McGrath) from a wicked Witch played by Eva Green.
The slapstick mayhem which ensues was as daft as Johnny Depp’s wooden acting, which has been lodged well and truly up Jack Sparrow’s anus since The Pirates of the Caribbean burst onto the scene back in 2003. As a result we are subjected to 113 minutes of the most metronome, detached performances straight from the Keanu Reeves school of acting, albeit with Depp putting on his oh-so amusing English accent which apparently Director Tim Burton can never get enough of.
Should Have Stayed Locked In Its Crypt
- Rated: PG-13
- Comedy, fantasy, Horror
- Release Date: 5/11/2012
- Directed by: Tim Burton
- Starring: Bella Heathcote, Chloë Grace Moretz, Eva Green, Helena Bonham Carter, Jackie Earle Haley, Johnny Depp, Jonny Lee Miller, Michelle Pfeiffer
- Produced by: Christi Dembrowski, David Kennedy, Graham King, Johnny Depp, Richard D. Zanuck
- Written by: John August, Seth Grahame-Smith, Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay)
- Studio: GK Films, Infinitum Nihil, The Zanuck Company, Village Roadshow Pictures