The Grey (2012) Abridged Script

Posted in Blog by - November 29, 2012
The Grey (2012) Abridged Script

DIRECTOR to NEESON: “I’m putting together a movie about killer wolves. You interested? Its basically Jaws except on land and you play the same scary Irish guy role Robert Shaw played in Jaws, except in this case, you knows all about wolves and tells stories about them round the camp fire to frighten the campers.”

LIAM NEESON: “Irish you say. I won’t need to change my accent then, which I can’t do anyway. I’ll do it.”

SCENE OPENS AT AN ALASKAN OIL PLANT WITH LIAM NEESON A WOLF HUNTER, CONTRACTED TO KEEP THE COMPANY’S BEAUTIFUL OIL SAFE FROM THIEVING WOLVES. NEESON’S WIFE HAS LEFT HIM SO HE’S ABOUT TO BLOW HIS HEAD OFF BUT BLOWS A WOLF’S HEAD OFF INSTEAD.

AFTER THEIR SEASON ENDS, NEESON AND A HIGHLY PRIZED TEAM OF OIL WORKERS HEAD HOME BY PLANE WHICH THEN CRASHES IN MIDDLE OF FROZEN ALASKAN WILDERNESS. NEESON AND 6 OTHER MEN SURVIVE, WHILE A FEW BODIES ARE EATEN BY GRAY WOLVES.

The Grey movieSURVIVOR: Wow. We’re incredibly lucky to still be alive. Lets construct a shelter and survival barricade from the plane’s wreckage, scavenge for supplies, and forge weapons against the wolves which we could then eat, while waiting for rescue.

NEESON: “If they send fifty planes, maybe they’ll find us. But they won’t send fifty planes, because it won’t matter, because we won’t have time to wait for the one or two that they will send.”

SURVIVOR: What the hell are you talking about. There’s a GPS locater on the plane. Besides, we’ve stuck to a well set out flightpath since leaving base and been in almost constant contact with air control the whole time. What’s more, we work for one of the richest most professional oil company’s on the planet with practically unlimited resources.

NEESON: This guy is most likely suffering from concussion. Gather what you can quick in the next 5 minutes and we’re off. No time to lose. We’ve got to head across the frozen countryside and into the woods to escape from man’s greatest predator, THE wOLF.

SURVIVOR: This doesn’t make any sense. There’s been practically no wolf attacks in the country for centuries. Besides, aren’t forests the natural hunting ground of wolves.

NEESON: Don’t test my patience, sonny. I know all about wolves. I’m a wolf expert for Christ sake. Put your hand underneath my cap and you just feel that little lump. That’s where a wolf once attacked me. A Gray. 13-footer (he says winking).

RECALLING A SIMILAR LINE FROM JAWS THEY ALL LAUGH BEFORE HEADING OFF TO CERTAIN DEATH IN THE 3 FOOT HIGH SNOW AND FREEZING TUNDRA, WHILST SINGING SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME. 3 MINUTES LATER A FLEET OF HELICOPTERS AND PLANES ARRIVE BUT FIND NO EVIDENCE OF SURVIVORS.

The Grey campfire sceneALONG THE WAY SOME OF THE MEN ARE SAVAGELY EATEN BY WOLVES, WHILE LATER THAT NIGHT THE REST SIT AROUND A CAMPIRE AND TELL HUMOROUS TALES NOT WANTING TO DAMPEN THE JOVIAL ATMOSPHERE. THE MEN THEN SETTLE DOWN TO A COMFY NIGHT’S SLEEP IN THE SUB-ARCTIC TEMPERATURES BEFORE HEADING OFF THE NEXT DAY FULLY REFRESHED.

COMING ACROSS A HUGE RAVINE, NEESON DEVISES A FOOL PROOF PLAN TO CROSS OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE THUS ELUDING THE WOLVES.

NEESON to DALLAS ROBERTS: Right I want you to jump 30 feet across that 150 foot cliff into some trees with a load of bed sheets attached to you which we’ve somehow managed to conjure up with.

DALLAS ROBERTS: Good thinking, chief. Here goes.

ROBERTS MAKES THE JUMP AND ATTACHES THE SHEETS, BUT WHILE CROSSING DERMOT MULRONEY REALISING THE IMPLAUSABILITY OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED, PLUMMETS TO THE GROUND AND IS IMMEDIATELY POUNCED UPON AND EATEN BY WOLVES.

DALLAS ROBERTS to NEESON: I thought we were crossing the cliff to avoid getting eaten by wolves?

NEESON: Dam clever those wolves. Dam clever. Come on, lets get moving.

THE THREE REMAINING SURVIVORS CONTINUE ON UNTIL DERMOT MULRONEY REALISES HE CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE OF NEESON’S CRAP AND DECIDES TO STAY BEHIND BY A PICTURESQUE BROOK.

NEESON: Come with me. It’s your best chance of survival.

SURVIVOR: Hmmm, I think I’ll take my chances with The wolves thank you very much.

NEESON: Suit yourself you ungrateful bastard. Come on ROBERTS, let go.

THE TWO REMAINING SURVIVORS HEAD OFF BUT DALLAS ROBERTS GETS HIS HEAD STUCK BETWEEN TWO ROCKS WHILE CROSSING THE RIVER AND DROWNS AS NEESON STANDS NEXT TO HIM HALF ATTEMPTING TO FREE HIM.

SHAKING OFF THE HYPOTHERMIA, NEESON HEADS OFF BEFORE FINDING HIMSELF IN THE WOLVES LAIR SURROUNDED BY THE ENORMOUS, SLAVERING BEASTS.

NEESON to GOD: Thanks a bunch God. How could you have allowed all these wonderful human beings to have been killed in such pointless ways.

GOD TO NEESON: Don’t try pinning this one on me. If you had just stayed by the plane like that other guy said you’d all still be alive.

NEESON to GOD: This only confirms to me once again that there is no God, even though he just spoke to me. Time to make my final stand.

NEESON TIES BROKEN BOTTLE AND A KNIFE AROUND HIS HANDS AND LUNGES TOWARDS ALPHA WOLF. CREDITS ROLL.

AUDIENCE: You have got to be shitting me.

THE END?

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This post was written by bill-marlow
Bill Marlow is just some crazy dude whose mad about movies and started reviewing films after witnessing one too many atrocities at the cinema. He is also very fond of talking about himself in the third person.

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