On the Beach (1959) Abridged Script

Posted in Blog by - March 04, 2013
On the Beach (1959) Abridged Script

Director Stanley Kramer to Gregory Peck: “I thought I’d take a fascinating story involving a nuclear holocaust and focus on the boring day-to-day lives of individual characters, instead.”

Gregory Peck: “Sounds interesting. I don’t have to do any actual acting do I?”

Director Stanley Kramer:  “Not at all. Just remember to stay well groomed and look in command. After all you will be playing an American nuclear submarine commander.”

TURNING TO ANTONY PERKINS

Stanley Kramer: “What about you. Are you in too?”

Perkins: “Hmmmm, sounds a bit crappy.”

Stanley Kramer: “Did I mention you get to wear a navy uniform and hang out with a bunch of sailors?”

Perkins:  ”I’m In.”

SETTING: IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD, ONCE AGAIN

CUT TO 1950′s AUSTRALIA, THE ONLY PLACE ON EARTH NOT YET AFFECTED BY AN UNEXPLAINED NUCLEAR WAR. THE COUNTRY NOW HAS JUST 5 MONTHS LEFT BEFORE THE DEADLY RADIATION WIPES OUT LIFE THERE TOO. GREGORY PECK IS IN CHARGE OF LAST US SUBMARINE TO SURVIVE HOLOCAUST

WITH TIME ON THEIR HANDS, GP SPENDS WEEKEND AT ANTONY PERKINS’ AND HIS WIFE’S HOME WHERE THEY HAVE A PARTY AND ARRANGE FOR AVA GARDNER TO SEDUCE HIM.

AT PARTY FRED ASTAIRE MENTIONS THE TOPIC OF RADIATION AND EVERYONE FLIPS OUT ON HIM FOR BEING A KILLJOY. LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN GP AND AV ARE ALONE ON THE VERANDA

On the Beach (1959)Ava Garner (while lap dancing): “How about it commander. Fancy docking you ship in my harbour tonight?”

GP: “Not really. I have to stay faithful to my dead wife whom I refuse to accept is gone. Besides you looking a bit flaky, even for a 38 year old.”

A DRUNK AVA GARDNER COLLAPSES IN HIS ARMS AND IS TAKEN TO BED BY GP WHO REMOVES HER MAKE-UP BEFORE RETURNING TO HIS SHIP.

LOADS OF SCENES SHOT DEPICTING DRUNKEN AUSSIES HAVING COCKTAIL PARTIES, RACING FAST CARS, LOUNGING ON THE BEACH AND FRETTING OVER HOW THEY’LL EVER MANAGE TO DRINK ALL THE REMAINING BOOZE BEFORE THEY ALL DIE OF RADIATION POISONING. ALL THE WHILE THE TUNE “WALTZING MATILDA” PLAYS ON A CONSTANT LOOP.

SUDDENLY NEWS ARRIVES OF A STRANGE MORSE CODE SIGNAL COMING FROM SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA  SO GP AND HIS CREW HEAD OFF TO INVESTIGATE.

On the Beach (1959)ONE MAN IN A PROTECTIVE SUIT GOES ASHORE TO DISCOVER A WINDY WINDOW SHADE TUGGING ON A COKE BOTTLE NEXT TO A MORSE CODE MACHINE. GP AND THE REST OF HIS CREW PISS THEMSELVES LAUGHING BEFORE RETURNING TO OZ.

LATER ON, ALL THE REVELRY IS SLIGHTLY DAMPENED BY A CREW MEMBER DYING FROM RADIATION POISON.

GP (to doctor): “Cannot compute. Why one human dying, other humanoids alive?”

Doctor: “We’re not going to fall over in rows, you know. We are not machines. ”

GP: “You could have fooled me. Have you checked out the acting, lately? Seriously though, that’S it right?wwe are all going to die?”

Doctor: “Definitely. Go out, get laid. That’s my best advice to you”.

GP RETURNS TO AVA GARDNER AND GIVES HER A 10 SECOND LONG KISS BEFORE TELLING HER HE’S RETURNING BACK TO THE US WITH HIS MEN RATHER THAN SPEND THE REST OF HIS REMAINING DAYS HAVING SEX WITH HER. HE THEN PRIES HER FINGERS FROM HIS BUTTOCKS AND DEPARTS ON HIS SUBMARINE.

MEANWHILE, AN END WITHIN AN END WITHIN AN END, ETC SHOWS A 65 YEAR OLD BALD AUSSIE AT THE MINISTRY PORKING HIS GORGEOUS YOUNG SECRETARY, FRED ASTAIRE KILLING HIMSELF FROM INHALING VINTAGE FERRARI’S FUMES IN HIS GARAGE, AND THE REST OF AUSTRALIA TAKING SUICIDE PILLS TO DIE WITH DIGNITY ALTHOUGH NONE ARE SICK OR DISPLAYING ANY SYMPTOMS OF  POISONING.

WALTZING MATILDA, WHICH HAS BEEN PLAYING ON A CONSTANT LOOP SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE, NOW REACHES A CRESCENDO.

 THE END

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This post was written by bill-marlow
Bill Marlow is just some crazy dude whose mad about movies and started reviewing films after witnessing one too many atrocities at the cinema. He is also very fond of talking about himself in the third person.

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